Sadness for Manchester

I have a heavy heart this week. 

Yesterday I was driving along with a list of jobs to fill my day and I just became sad. Every song on the radio, every image seemed to make me think of the horrible and tragic act committed in Manchester. I just couldn't shift it.

On the way home from school on Monday afternoon I had a talk with my fourteen year old about it all. We have had similar talks before, which is heartbreaking in itself. I tried again to put an element of perspective on the situation and she listened to me explain about radical behaviour, chance, fear and all sorts of reasons why we can't let the worst kind of human beings scare us into changing the way we live. 

We stopped at some traffic lights and she was quiet so I checked she was OK. 

Her response tore me up....

The gist of what she said was that she understood that I was trying to reassure her but she was still scared. She was scared because in her short life she has known of too many of these horrific terrorist acts. She has been to Paris; she has had lunch at the Lindt Cafe in Sydney; she has travelled on the underground in London and walked across Westminster Bridge and had we still been living in Yorkshire in the UK it's very likely that she would have been at the concert in Manchester on Monday. 

These acts are not just some stories that happen to other people, she can relate....and she's only fourteen.

So for all my reassurances about the notion of probability there's still a real fear. 

We talked again on the way to school this morning. We flippantly joked about buying a mountain hideaway and becoming recluses! 

She knows that she'll be growing up into a world where she needs to be vigilant. She may make choices based on fear and I can't necessarily take that away. Her freedom is constantly being compromised and that saddens me. My job is to protect her as much as possible (and give her the skills to protect herself) whilst still letting her experience all the wonderful things that life can offer. 

So for now, we'll be cautious and we'll consider some life choices but we won't hide away. 

Today, I'm just trying to be grateful and not worry the big stuff. 

Thinking of everyone involved in the tragedy of Manchester, May 22nd 2017

Time out

Before I start I should probably state that I'm writing this feeling a bit off kilter.

I've juggled around with the various hats that I wear before so I know the score. It's akin to playing the same part in a play for a decade and then one night before curtain call someone changes the script.

The last time was about 16 months ago when I took some time out of everyday life. I boarded a plane in Brisbane, flew to the other side of the world and spent a month making my own decisions.

As I prepared and packed for that trip there were lots of mixed emotions. I felt that every item going into my bag was emblazoned with the word "me".  I had lovely supportive friends who were excited for me but in my head I heard it differently. My core instinct for the last twelve years was being shifted. My 'mother' hat was still in that bag it's just that the 'me' hat had bright neon lights on it!

By the time I was crossing the Arabian Sea I was just about beginning to let go of the guilt and look forward to the discovery.  I slept on the plane (better than I do at home!) and I spent time contemplating.

I wore lots of hats during that month away - daughter, friend, independent traveller. I had the best time and a holiday where I truly relaxed. It was a chance to press the pause button for a while.
Technology makes the world a very small place and time differences aside I still parented from a distance. I shared the stories about school camp, dancing lessons, getting into the netball team, forgotten lunch boxes. Life in my Australian home didn't really change... I just wasn't there in the moment to live it or worry about it.

Back in Brisbane I fell back into my world.

The suitcase went to the back of the wardrobe and the neon light on the 'me' hat got switched off.

I'm not complaining - that's life. I wouldn't swap a lot of mine.

Then a long term health issue started to bother me and the prospect of needing to take a step away from things was a real possibility. I needed that 'me' hat again. I pondered and pondered some more and I dithered. I made a decision and changed my mind. Once my consultant mentioned the words  - second opinion, referral and oncologist in the same sentence I stopped dithering.

I filled the freezer, I made lists, I organised my work commitments, I cleaned and scrubbed like the queen was coming to tea!  I did so much in the week before surgery that I seriously couldn't have fitted anything else in if I tried.
I was exhausted and then I had horrible morbid thoughts at 4am that made me even more exhausted. I was almost looking forward to the operating table just to have a proper sleep!

I then let go of every... single... hat...

On Monday I had some surgery and on Friday I was told my pathology results were clear.

I was nothing for almost a week. I didn't realise that I was in such a limbo until Friday afternoon. By Friday evening in my head I had "recovered".

Well, not quite....

I should probably enjoy this time. I know how important it is for me to rest to recover and I am doing it. (I also know my mother wants to jump on a plane so I have to re-assure her that I really am doing the right things. Mam - I promise.)

Being at home and not being in control is a strange feeling though.  I have to consciously give myself lectures about things like not picking up the stray pony tail band on the floor - it was yellow and it was there for 24 hours and nearly drove me insane!!

I'm not naive enough to think that life is a 'one hat on, one hat off' game. We all multi task, we all take on different roles at different times and I just have to adopt in this theatre where I'm typecast as homemaker.

It's unbalancing but I'll find a pretty ribbon and tie it around my 'me' hat in a big knot under my chin

....and breathe....

Beth
x

Gratitude

There was a moment in my day yesterday that I felt a whole range of emotions and I haven't been able to shake off all day today.

It was just a normal Monday afternoon. Sibs was head in her books and laptop in the study completing her homework. She had returned from school, changed her clothes, helped herself to a snack and drink during which we had the usual conversation about what to have for dinner. Just so normal...

I went to collect the post and there was a report from our sponsored child in Zambia.

Sibs was reading it out to me as I was pottering around.

There was information about M's house, what she did on the weekend, what her favourite colour was and then when Sibs got to one question and answer she just stopped....

"The most precious thing that I have is......"

In the blank was the word "nothing".

We both just looked at each other with teary eyes.

I am sad that M feels she has nothing that she considers precious and I am grateful that we are able to make a tiny difference to her and her community in gaining some degree of independence and well being.

The conversations that have been prompted by our letters from M have been invaluable and I wish she knew that she makes a difference in our lives too.

World Vision website

Thirteen

In what feels like the blink of an eye my girl who has a special place in my heart is becoming a teenager.

I can't begin to capture the joy and happiness that she creates.
(Is it too dramatic to say that? Will she think that I'm a right old softie?)

I do think it's safe to say that she knows that she is loved and she knows that I am proud of her and of the way that she is growing into a beautiful young lady. I feel really lucky that we still have valuable chat time and there are many life lessons that over time I'll share with her.  I could probably write a book of them, but I'm sure someone has beaten me to that!

Now as she hovers on the cusp of the next milestone in life I wonder what's ahead of her?

Her dreams are not my dreams and vice versa but I do wish her certain things.

• I hope that she continues to approach life with a smile on her face.

• I hope that she maintains the compassion, kindness and respect that she has for others and can practise this on herself too!

• I hope that she makes life long and meaningful friendships with people that will love her as she deserves to be loved.

• I hope that she finds her voice in the world and isn't afraid to use it.

• I hope that she can keep building her resilience and that her heart will be strong enough to manage those challenges that will inevitably come her way.

• I hope that she never forgets that I will always be her biggest supporter...Yes, there will be times that I won't necessarily agree with everything that she chooses and does...(I'm not that naive), but I will be there for her. 

So to my teenage Sibsy girl - get prepared to over-live your life, open your eyes and embrace opportunities, give things a go, have fun along the way, and don't forget your manners!

Love you now, always and forever 

(and more than you'll ever know...)

Cariad mawr,

Bupper

xxx

PS, My other hope for her is that the pierced ears that she has patiently waited seven years for won't hurt too much!

School holiday nurturing

Winter school holidays have come and gone. I must say that those three weeks arrived at just the right time to stop and get ourselves together mid year. 

At the start of the holidays a word kept popping up in my head....nurture. 

I just kept on feeling that I wanted to wrap myself and Sibs up and just look after her in the best motherly way that I could. 

It was possibly a subconscious guilt to being away for a month when I went overseas and then observing the pressure she seemed to have with lots of end of term tests and assignments. Whatever it was I knew that these holidays would be spent pretty close to home with enough lazy days to intersperse the activities. 

So there was plenty of baking and sampling of warm bread and the freezer filled up nicely with a selection of cakes courtesy of  HERMAN.

As per usual when I have some down time I started on a new crochet project. I find the rhythm of a ripple stitch sooo relaxing and even though I have no pattern or real idea of what the finished project will look like, I'm just adding rows after rows and watching it grow.

Wimbledon was on which meant late, late nights in front of the TV. The cats were always by my side even though they were not too interested in the tennis and I think they just enjoyed the warmth and company.

I've probably said it before and will probably say it every year, but Winter is glorious in Queensland. It's not really cold even though we like to pretend it is and whip out the Ugg boots and woolies when the temperature threatens to hover into single figures. On a trip to the supermarket one morning Sibs and I were slightly confused about the weather with one of us in open Birkis and the other in Uggs and a fleece!

I can remember the best Winter days back home would be the ones where the sun would occasionally make an appearance. There is something so lovely about cold crisp air and sunshine. I think that's why I adore these months here. The sun is almost always out during Winter and we don't get those dreary grey wet days. 

One of those sunny lazy afternoons after a yoga class, Sibs and I decided that we would tidy up our little herb and salad patch. We planted the usuals and have given kale a try. It's looking a little sad at the moment and I'm not sure if we're overwatering it. That word nurture again....

There have been some fun activities during these holidays too and I was on duty one evening at the Brisbane Entertainment Centre when Sibs and some friends went to watch 5 Seconds of Summer. I swear at one point that when the doors were open I could identify her scream! That girl could wake the dead!! I adore the role of quiet observer and listener and the journey to and from the concert had me smiling all the way just taking in the excited chatter from the girls.

On one rather dreary day we took a day trip to Byron Bay and watched the rain clouds pass over the beach and sea.

We always try and fit in a theatre visit and this time it was to see Deep Blue perform India Stories at the New Farm Powerhouse. Those musicians were so engaging to watch. They filled the stage with beautiful music, movement and images and it was a great evening.

One afternoon we had an invite up the mountain for a get together lunch with some friends. Three mothers, five daughters just relaxing. Soup and salads for lunch, a bottle of red, girls playing outside with the goats, then tea and cake. Couldn't ask for a better way to spend a few hours. 

Sibs then had a few days away camping with her dad, uncles and cousin and I seriously chilled. I kept on thinking about some jobs and chores, but this little spot on my front veranda kept whispering 

"stop, nurture, slow down."

So I did.

For the last week of the holidays I was to go back to work. I only managed a day as I had to bring forward a planned hospital stay. Nothing serious, just some wisdom teeth extractions that got a bit complicated.
Don't know if I'm getting softer with age but boy it was painful and prolonged. My face was so swollen I thought I would pop and the bruising ended up down my neck!

So that's it. A few weeks of self care, slowing down, some lazy days and catching up.
Happy days.

A bit of waffling on about parenting, ageing, wisdom and attitude!

This blog is about capturing the moments in life. It lets me write what's on my mind and then allows me to revisit. I do occasionally read back over the years and appreciate the memories that are here.
I think this piece is just about what's going on at the moment. I've just proof read it and it feels like I've just vomited words! 
I was going to scrap it or try and tidy it up, but for once I'm not exercising that control. I'll read it back in the future and see the confused jumble - because that's just how things are sometimes!



I've been watching a transition these last few weeks. A transition of my girl from a Primary School 12 year old to a High School 12 year old. In just under four short weeks the apron strings have most definitely slackened. Not quite been cut, but certainly looser!

I think my parenting is in a transition stage too. On the one hand I'm getting used to being slightly less in demand as she happily enjoys the independence of catching a bus to school, whilst on the other I'm calling on all my skills to help her manage some pretty big changes.

We recently experienced some friendship news that rocked Sibs's boat. (Actually it capsized for a bit but she came right!) She let me in and she shut me out.  I saw my beautiful girl struggle to manage the intensity of her emotions. I saw her retreat to her room and not want to show any vulnerability.

Gosh it took me back. Can you ever forget how insanely strong your emotions can be when you're twelve?

The end of the story is that we talked - albeit through a closed door at first, then through written notes, but we eventually got there.
When your heart is so invested and that's all you want to do is take the pain away, it's hard to be a parent...
She needs these bumps in her road to build her defences and resilience. I know that, but it's not what she wanted to hear.

I shared experiences with her. I recalled the angst of situations like this with the reassurances that we do get through them. I called on all the wisdom of age.

So just when you feel the lull in this parenting thing, out comes a whopper to test you! I guess life is just like that isn't it. The only thing that's constant is change....

I seem to have reached a stage where I've been thinking about age and ageing a bit recently.
This last year or so I have probably felt a bit older than I want to feel (or be!).  There have been some health challenges that only really become more apparent when I now feel better.  So I have just decided that being *cough, cough*  age isn't so bad after all and I should just be grateful and accept it.

I wonder if there is actually a 'best' age to be?
Would I go back to being a kid with no responsibilities and someone else making most of my decisions?
How about approaching my teenage years with all the uncertainties about absolutely everything ahead.
Do I want to be 17 or 18 again just on the cusp of independence and adventure?
Do I want to return to be in my early thirties, settled and secure?
Should I just be look forward to the next decade?

I remember turning 21 almost as if it was yesterday. My thirties were a bit of a blur and I missed the 'life begins at 40' memo. So here I am  - contemplating what feels like a bit of a see-saw age.

Are there any rules about what one should be like at a certain time in their life? Is this the time to bring out the A line skirts!?!

I hope not..... I'm enjoying the contradictions in my ways.

I can turn the volume up really high as I sing along to my Ed Sheeran CD in the car and then come home, make myself a nice cup of Yorkshire Tea and pick up my crochet! I quite like the fact that I don't feel the need to conform to any particular way of doing things. Don't ask me when that feeling happened though.

This 'accept me for who I am' attitude is getting more comfortable for me but is still a pretty shaky concept for a twelve year old.

I am parenting with the 'just trust and be yourself' theme like there's no tomorrow with a stern reminder to myself that it's taken me decades to get here!

Last week Sibs had an English assignment where she needed to write about someone who has influenced her to be who she is. She showed me her work and even though she warned me that I would probably cry, I wasn't quite prepared for the massive lump in my throat. It was a beautiful paragraph that captured so many things about acceptance, being true to yourself, finding your own beauty and following your dreams.

She gets it -  and I hope with all my heart she believes it.

Life is never perfect and as much as I think that I prepare myself with a way to parent to the best that I can, I know that the heat of the moment will sometimes overtake logic. That will be the time I re-read her assignment! I'll remind myself that it does go in....

So as we go through these bumps in the road I'll continue to try and remember back to those crazy overwhelming times. I'll be thankful that I got through them and thankful that I can hold Sibs's hand to steer her forward.

Onwards....

Thinking about Sydney

Last night just as the sun was setting I found myself on this beach.

Sunshine Beach

I was just at the petrol station filling the car with fuel and the changing sky kept catching my attention. Instead of just rushing off I decided to take a few minutes and headed down to Sunshine Beach to watch the waves and enjoy the last minutes of daylight.

I parked up, kicked off my Birki's and just walked....

Sunshine Beach

There were a few others on the beach doing just the same thing. Just walking. Just getting a bit lost in their steps and their thinking.

There was quite a bit of thinking happening yesterday.

I started thinking about the school holidays ahead; the anticipation of Christmas; a new year and some changes for my girl.

My mind however kept going back to thoughts about the Sydney hostage situation in Martin Place and the terrifying hours that those trapped were experiencing.

Earlier in the morning I had spoken to Sibs about it as we remembered the last time we were in Sydney and we had lunch in that exact cafe. We talked about the meaning of words such as hostages and radicals. The  kind of conversation that was too close to home for comfort. It followed another conversation about a shooting incident that occurred a few streets away from us last week in leafy suburbia..

Sunshine Beach

I woke this morning to a text from my twelve year old.

She texted me the outcome in Sydney and then how much she loved me with lots and lots of kissey emoticon faces. 

It would have been the first thing that she thought about this morning.

We had another conversation about extremism and probability and safety. 

I told her it was ok to feel unsettled by what had happened. I told her that there are many more good people than bad people in the world.... I told her that she was safe. It's what she needed to hear. 

But I'm saddened that this is reality.

I'm heartbroken that innocent people were involved.

I feel just a little more vulnerable today.

Sunshine Beach

Thinking about all those involved.

Scoliosis - back brace

So here I am again with another scoliosis update and a bit of a reality check.

The wearing of her back brace has been part of everyday life for Sibs now for a month or so.

As much as she had been questioning for a few weeks when the brace would be ready, there was still some trepidation as we finally got the call to tell us to go for the fitting.

After school one afternoon we drove to the hospital, parked outside the clinic and about 30 minutes later walked away with the contraption in a bag. That was the easy part.


Gary (who had made brace number 6230, especially for Sibs) encouraged her to come to the fitting appointment with all her questions. So we knew as much as we thought we needed to know by the time we left the clinic.

Which in hindsight was probably a little naive!

The photo shows Sibs wearing the brace over her t-shirt. It's actually designed to be worn under her clothes. She does however need to wear a singlet/vest underneath so that there is some clothing between skin and brace.

Here is the first challenge. Queensland has a sub tropical climate....it's hot here! Even in Springtime there have been days when it's been in the mid twenties. When you start layering tight fitting clothes, then foam and a hard plastic and then a top layer...well, it's not the most comfortable of things.

Sibs has done so ridiculously well to cope with this. She really wants the brace to work and took to heart what the doctors told her about compliance being the key factor in the success of the treatment. She documents every day how many hours she is wearing it and has built up to the expected 23 hours in what I think is no time at all. She decided one evening that she was going to wear it overnight and that was it - it was worn! There has been no pressure just an expectation that she tried to build up the hours in a sensible way.

It was all going great until yesterday. Yesterday was a pupil free day here - thank goodness. Sibs arrived back from her school trip to Canberra and Sydney on Friday night and then on Saturday was straight down to the theatre to take part in a dancing performance. We needed yesterday to rest and catch up. However much I heard "I am NOT tired" she was!

Yesterday morning there was a 'moment'.

None of her clothes seemed to fit....everything was too tight, too clingy to the brace, too see-through and wrong! T-shirt after t-shirt was thrown on the floor in frustration!

It's the only time I have heard her say that she didn't want to wear her brace.

We had already had the conversation that at times I might have to be the tough parent so she knew what was coming.
In the best way I could, I explained that she had some choices - take a moment and then chin up, find the best thing to wear and get on with it, or wallow in self pity.

I felt for her.....so much,  and I couldn't really make it better.

I left her to have her cry on the bed and I went and had my cry downstairs!

About ten minutes later she was dressed and we had the biggest cuddle, a team cry, and a plan to go shopping!

Sibs has not tried to hide the fact that she has a back brace and is very comfortable in front of her friends and family, but like most twelve year old girls, she is conscious of what she wears and how she looks. We have needed to tread the difficult line between child and adult clothes in order to get a fit that is sympathetic to the brace. It's not an easy task. I was almost tempted to get the sewing machine out, but my sewing repertoire stops at cushion covers, curtains and the odd fancy dress outfit!

In the end we did end up having a lovely day out yesterday with a yum cha lunch and then we managed to find a few summer outfits. We have discovered merino wool singlets/vests to wear under her brace that I hope will help (It took some convincing Sibs that wool could help keep her cool as well as warm!)

So last night her wardrobe was cleared out and even though it's looking rather bare at least everything in there is wearable.

I am so grateful for the lovely supportive and caring comments texts and messages that have come my way since I first posted about Sibs's scoliosis.

We have had quite a bit of time to think things through here as this is something that has been on our agenda for quite a few months now. I do realise however, that for a lot of my friends and family this blog was the first time that I had shared any of this.

I probably do have a natural positive attitude to most things but I will admit that this was extremely confronting at first. I feel fortunate that our previous medical history with Sibs has been next to zero. There was a case of chicken pox at 2 year old and a few runny noses during the first few Yorkshire Winters but that's about it!

So being faced with an uncertainty about a progressive condition certainly did stop me in my tracks.

Goodness knows how many times I remind myself that it could be a lot worse....a lot worse.
That's why I think that on occsion I may possibly come across as being a little dismissive. I don't mean to be, as obviously Sibs's health and well being is of absolute priority to me. But it all needs to be put into perspective.

So if you've asked how she's doing and I've replied "fine", it's because in the main she is fine. As much as is possible, she's just taking things in her stride, and I couldn't be prouder of her!

We're off for a check up this afternoon and she is rather excited to be showing Gary how many hours she has been wearing her brace. He may need to sit through pages of notes detailing every single time it's put on and taken off. Maybe I should have booked a double appointment!



 Update.
Gary did indeed read through her detailed notes, bless him.  He won't have realised how important that was to her - It was lovely to watch her proud face.

Some new clothes got an outing too!
(Yes, she is wearing her back brace)

Then to finish off we called back at The Three Monkeys in West End and shared a slice of marshmallow and chocolate cake that made us so full that we don't want any tea!

Another step

Off to camp

You know that film and theatre show Mamma Mia?

You know that touching scene when the mother and daughter sing "Slipping through my fingers"?

"School bag in hand, she leaves home in the early morning
Waving goodbye with an absent-minded smile.
I watch her go with a surge of that well-known sadness
And I have to sit down for a while"

That Abba song came on my ipod this morning and it always gets to me - always. (Yes, I have Abba on my ipod!)

It seems like moments ago I was dropping Sibs off at her first day in her new primary school in Australia and then yesterday I was taking her to the airport for her final year camp trip to Sydney and Canberra! School camps are big over here.

In the final year of my primary school we went on a camp trip almost down the road to Parkmill in the Gower Peninsula. I have many memories. I think a few of us girls had read the Enid Blyton books Mallory Towers and St Clare's and had this idea that it was all going to be midnight feasts and a jolly good time! Instead it was cold and wet and we seemed to walk for miles and miles looking for lichen and trying to keep our soggy clipboards dry!

Sibs's trip on the other hand, is a full packed itinerary that takes in all the important sights of Canberra - Parliament House, Australian War Memorial, Government House, Questacon, Royal Mint, National Gallery and not forgetting an afternoon at Taronga Zoo in Sydney.  A bit different to traipsing through the Gower coastline in South Wales!

The house is already feeling so quiet. No constant singing, no bouncing, twirling and prancing around.

Twmff is doing his usual moping around the place when Sibs isn't here. He's such a sook sleeping on her school bag.

I can still see you Mods - almost camouflaged

Modlen on the other hand.... not a care in the world! Yesterday afternoon I was intending on planting some herbs in there, but it was a shame to disturb such a heavy sleep so I decided to pick up some crochet instead.

An hour quickly became two (and then more) and it was so relaxing on the front deck that it just called out for a Hendricks, a candle and some crooning from Mr George Michael on the ipod. Bliss.

from my instagram feed

Routine is out of the window this week - I'm not organising my day around early morning music drop off or 3pm school pick ups. It's strange.

"Sleep in our eyes, her and me at the breakfast table
Barely awake, I let precious time go by.
Then when she's gone, there's that odd melancholy feeling
And a sense of guilt I can't deny"

I'm getting a glimpse into the next few years of increased independence. Whilst I encourage it and seem to constantly have the conversation with Sibs about needing to "take responsibility for this, that and the other" it's also a shift into a new world.

"Slipping through my fingers all the time
I try to capture every minute
The feeling in it.
Slipping through my fingers all the time.
Do I really see what's in her mind.
Each time I think I'm close to knowing
She keeps on growing"

For Sibs, this week away is not only to go and see and understand more about Australia, it's really another step in growing up.

I know each phase in childhood is big at the  time - first steps, first words, first school....
Somehow though, this one feels huge. I can really see her shaping into a young adult. She's getting more and more confident in expressing herself and sharing her opinions.
I've stopped saying "please stop growing up" and I'm making a conscious effort to enjoy the change in her...however challenging some of the sharing of opinions can be!

As she was chatting with her friend at the airport yesterday she said that she had two things to remember on this trip - to have fun and to concentrate.

So she does listen to what I say...

enjoying a quiet Monday moment

Happy Monday.

Here's to a good and safe week, full of concentration and fun!

Unbalanced

Last Thursday was a day of days!

In fact, the whole of last week was just 'one of those weeks'  with a few challenges on the work front and the juggling of roles.

It really got me thinking about this work - life balance thing.

A bit of a curve ball and all of a sudden it's chaos.

Let me share a little of my day...

Neil and I car shared last Thursday. He was spending most of the day at the Convention Centre near the city and I was back and fore between locations. I was in charge of picking up Sibs from after school care and he planned to get a cab home later on in the evening. We parked up and went our separate ways.

A few hours later I realised that he had the set of keys, or rather I realised that I had forgotten my keys... I tried to contact him and left a message to say I was heading into the city and would try and arrange a meeting point to pick them up.

Work was busy and I sort of forgot about it and set off on the bus to my next appointment.

I was just about to walk into a lecture theatre when my phone buzzed. Not wanting the distraction I decided to ignore it. Off it went again and this time I glanced down to see the words "SCHOOL" flashing back at me.

Cutting a long story short I had the conversation that went along the lines of  'you need to come and pick up your daughter she is injured'.

Oh heck!

I'm in the city....my car is miles away.....(I don't have any keys anyway!!)...I'm now running late for a presentation.....I can't get hold of Neil....I can't get hold of my friend and neighbour....I'm actually walking around in a circle!!

A few minutes later my friend calls me back realising that if I'm ringing in the middle of the day on a work day that something is up. She says all of the right things - reassuring me that she can be at the school in 5 minutes and will call back if she needs to. Sooo grateful.

So off comes the mother hat and back on goes the work hat.

Of course my phone buzzes again about half an hour later!

This time it was Neil responding to my rather curt "answer your phone" text. (There were more words than that in my text, but I won't share them here!)

Once my presentation was over I gathered my things and grabbed a cab to take me to Sibs.

We took a gentle walk around the corner to get home and then of course  I remember that I had no keys to get into the house!

I didn't have to worry as the front door was wide open!

Yes, the perfect ending to a ****** day.

Do I go in or stay outside? Do I call someone? My thoughts were moving at speed and I couldn't really think straight. I ventured in as far as the hallway and had a quick look around - the computer, TV, ipad all seemed to be in place. It would appear that the front door had blown open as the Yale lock hadn't been secured that morning. Phew!

Panic over, I set about making sure that Sibs was OK. Warm bath, drink, hot water bottle, can she have ibuprofen? What's for dinner?

She got to bed and Twmff the cat (bless him) stayed by her side and gave her lots of purring cuddles.

I eventually sat down and that's all I wanted to do was get lost watching something mindless on TV.

No, that wasn't going to happen  - the TV decided that was the day it didn't want to co-operate.
I changed the batteries in the remote control - nothing,
I fiddled about with cables - nothing.
I googled the problem - nothing.

I gave up and went to bed.

A few days later I met up with a couple of mothers from the school who asked me where I was on Thursday night. It was only then that I remembered that I should have been at a meeting that night! One where I had a reasonable input. I didn't send any apologies or report - I just completely, absolutely forgot everything about it!

There were just too many hats to wear that day. Too many balls to juggle.

The tipping point of the scales is so minute when it comes to balancing roles.

 Life is not full of 'perfect moments'. Life is at times challenging and it does go wrong.

I've done the full time worker, I've done the full time mother and I'm currently doing the part time trying to balance everything scenario.

Nothing is perfect. Nothing works all of the time, and everything is temporary.

But I have to remember that one bad day is just that - one.bad.day.

So it's almost Thursday again. Sibs is fine, there are checks in place to ensure that I always have my keys, and planned drop offs and pick ups have been worked out for the week.

Just to keep it real - the TV still isn't working - but that's OK. I can manage that one.

Thailand

Last October Sibs and I had a long weekend away in Auckland.  The anticipation and the travelling was almost as good as the time away. It was wonderful, and we made a little promise that we would try and organise another get away to spend time together.

Like a lot of things - I knew that it would be easier said than done!

Life gets so busy and packed with weekend activities and school work  and time just rolls on. So when an opportunity came to travel to Thailand recently I grabbed it and we packed our bags, set the alarm for a silly time and caught an early morning flight to Bangkok via Sydney.




  I can tell I've been living in Australia as it's funny how a 9 hour flight to Thailand felt like a short haul!

Our first sight of Bangkok was rather a blur... To say that they drive rather fast would be an understatement! The city whizzed by and we were weaving through lanes of motorway traffic avoiding trucks and cars with amazing precision. Sibs was a little subdued and I tried not to think too much about the speedometer creeping up to 160 km per hour!

Wat Arun, Bangkok

Anyhow, we made it to our first destination and were given a lovely welcome by family. It was all very exciting catching up with cousins and it was made even more special as my uncle and aunt were visiting from Wales too.

At the end of our first day, after a quick dip in the pool, Sibs and I dodged the mosquitoes (no-body told me there were mozzies in Thailand - and they were aggressive ones too!) and made our way to our own little cottage at the bottom of the garden.  So lucky and grateful for a comfy bed and air con.

Floating markets

Having our very own tour guides for the first few days was a real treat. We learnt about some Thai customs and expectations and how to pronounce the basic greetings.

On one hand this was an 'out of comfort zone' travel experience to be undertaking with an eleven year old. Sibs has been fortunate enough to cross the oceans a few times in her lifetime but her exposure to the world has been mainly Europe, Australia and New Zealand. This was going to expose her to different people, different culture and open her eyes to another world. At times it was slightly confronting, but we had emptied the shelves of our local library of Thailand books and had some expectations. Although I don't think anything could have prepared us for the sight of a road side dentist!

The Sanctuary of Truth

The heat in Thailand was rather surprising. I should be used to warm hazy days by now, but at times this was quite energy sapping. It didn't stop us doing anything although we needed to make sure that we were keeping hydrated and seeking shade whenever we could. There was bottled water available everywhere and in some of the larger tourist areas there was even free water with your entry ticket.

Wat Pho - The Temple of the Reclining Buddha.
Dropping coins in the 108 monk bowls.

The Emerald Buddha

 There were obvious crowds of tourists all seeking similar experiences but we managed to find some quieter, more contemplative moments during the trip. My family were wonderful in looking after us and we were also so fortunate to have a driver during the time we spent with them.

During the second part of the trip in Bangkok, rather than booking organised tours, we caught a train, a boat and a tuk tuk and (most of the time) it was all hassle free. We did experience the 'helpful' local who seeing us studying a map at the train station tried to tell us that one of the temples we were planning to visit was closed for the morning. He then just happened to have his friend waiting near by to whisk us to another temple for a 'very cheap price'! Thank you Lonely Planet Guide for warning me about that one.

I have to admit to having some reservations about staying in the city of Bangkok in the lead up to the holiday. I was reading various reports in the media about the anti government protesters and the disruption that this was creating. Even though I researched hotels, I didn't book any accommodation until a couple of days before.  I took advice from various sources and made an informed decision and apart from a quiet convoy and march that we viewed on one morning it was all calm.

Well as calm as a city with thousands and thousands of people can be....

Thailand was a colourful place with shrines and places of worship on street corners. Most people seemed happy with their lives, however humble we may have deemed it to be.

Sibs was fascinated by the street sellers who would be earning a living any way they could. One little old man proudly displayed a collection of rusty safety pins and paper clips amongst other scraps of metal on his patch of pavement. It was a reminder of how blessed we are...



We stayed in the hotel after dark and made sure that we chatted to the concierge each day to keep updated. The staff were very well informed and looked after us so well. It was a bit of luxury to return to after a day in the heat and a lovely place to relax. Sibs would catch up on a bit of homework at the same time that there just happened to be a happy hour for cocktails!

Sampling some Thai cuisine

We took hundreds of photos and have fabulous memories of a great trip. It was joyous to experience it with Sibs. She embraced the adventure, accepted the unexpected and hopefully learnt a bit too.
She is still young enough to be mesmerised with the moment and I hope this has ignited a little wonderment that the world is an amazing place.

Grand Palace

Arriving and leaving Thailand.
Two weeks away and she grew up!

Now where to next....?